Sucking Mint’s

By Matt Jones and Nika Jakšić
Performed in Montréal and Toronto in Car Stories 2004 and in Montréal as part of Car Stories 2006.
John Mint: Matt Jones
Mercedes: Nika Jakšić
JOHN MINT and MERCEDES sit in the front seat of the car. MERCEDES lifts her head from JOHN’S lap and flexes her jaw.
MERCEDES: Just give me a sec. You don’t know what this does to your jaw.
JOHN MINT: Forget it, I can’t do it like this.
She fumbles with a pink condom that is stuck to her fingers and throws it into the back seat. JOHN pushes his chair back, relaxes and wipes his brow.
MERCEDES: That’s the last time I let you choose the flavour.
JOHN MINT: You don’t have to choose any flavour with me, you know.
MERCEDES: Mint, with the number of cocks that get shoved down my throat, I’ll take latex strawberry over Hep C any day thank you very much.
JOHN MINT: Mercedes, can you not talk about that, please?
MERCEDES: What? (slight Pause) Cocks?
JOHN MINT: Can we just change the subject, please? You know how I feel about…
MERCEDES: Fine! No more about all the cocks I suck. [pause. She looks at her watch] Look, are we done? I gotta meet someone at six thirty. [she grins devilishly] I’ve got some lollypops to lick.
JOHN MINT: Didn’t I just tell you to change the subject?
MERCEDES: I did! I get paid to dress like a schoolgirl and lick lollypops! That’s it! It’s just a fetish. He takes pictures of me in my little kilt, with a lollypop in my mouth…
JOHN MINT: Fine, I’m sorry…
MERCEDES: …while I give him a prostate massage.
JOHN MINT: For Christ’s sake! Can’t we have one single minute without you talking about your other clients? Can’t we just enjoy the moment?
MERCEDES: You know Mint, you’re pretty uptight for a guy who just came in my mouth.
JOHN MINT: I didn’t come.
MERCEDES: For a guy who just had his cock in my mouth.
JOHN MINT: In a condom in your mouth.
MERCEDES: [mocking] In a strawberry flavoured condom in my mouth. [to herself] I wonder if I taste like strawberry. God, I don't want to smell like that all day. [she cuddles up to him] Could you, uh, could you smell my breath?
JOHN MINT stares ahead ignoring her.
Um. Hello? Do you mind?
He turns and looks at her uncertainly, leans over awkwardly and gives her a deep, passionate kiss, almost smothering her. She pushes him away roughly.
JOHN MINT: Strawberry. And a little bit of mint.
MERCEDES: God. I don’t want to taste like that all day. Do you think people can tell?
JOHN MINT: [wound up] Listen Angela…
MERCEDES: [slight anger] Angela?
JOHN MINT: Can you just…
MERCEDES: Ha! You just called me Angela…
JOHN MINT: [looking emotional] I’m sorry.
MERCEDES: [extremely amused] Who’s Angela? Is that your wife?
JOHN MINT: No, Mercedes…
MERCEDES: [laughing but trying not to] It is! Oh my God, you mistook me for your wife!
JOHN MINT: I didn’t! She’s not my wife…
MERCEDES: [laughs even harder] Oh! Now he’s lying to cover it up!
JOHN MINT: All right fine! My wife’s name is Angela. Happy? Now can we please talk about something else? You know how I get when we start talking about my wife…
MERCEDES: Okay Mint, it’s okay. I’m not the jealous type so you don’t have to lie. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure, but I got a date with a lollypop, a camera and an English cucumber, so…
JOHN MINT: Look… how much if you just stay a while?
MERCEDES: [fumbling through her handbag looking for condoms] Sixty bucks, but no strawberry this time…
JOHN MINT: [grabbing her hand] Not for that. I just want to talk to you.
MERCEDES: What is this, Pretty Woman?
JOHN MINT: No, I just want to know who you are…
MERCEDES: No you don’t. As soon as I start to talk about anything you tell me to change the subject.
JOHN takes out his wallet, pulls out twenty dollars and gives it to her.
JOHN MINT: How much does that buy me?
MERCEDES: [looking unimpressed at the money] About three minutes.
He gives her another twenty.
JOHN MINT: How ’bout that?
MERCEDES: Six, obviously.
JOHN MINT: Let’s make it half an hour.
MERCEDES: [looking at her watch] I’ll go as high as ten minutes, hon. I got places to be.
JOHN MINT: All right. Fine. Ten minutes. But you have to take off the wig.
MERCEDES: Fuck off!
JOHN MINT: [reaching over and touching the wig] Please, I just want to see you…
MERCEDES: [holding her wig in place] Fuck right off is what I said!
JOHN MINT: Just for a moment, come on!
MERCEDES: Do you want me to kick you in the fuckin’ face, asshole? [he lets go] Jesus! [long pause; taps her fingernails on the car door] Well this is an interesting conversation.
JOHN MINT: Are you married?
JOHN MINT: Come on! Will you just…
MERCEDES: Yes, I’m fuckin’ married!
JOHN MINT: Does he know?
JOHN MINT: What you do.
MERCEDES: [pause, she looks at him] I dunno.
JOHN MINT: You don’t know?
MERCEDES: No, I don’t know! [pause] He’s a bit… slow.
JOHN MINT: You don’t talk about it?
MERCEDES: What are we supposed to say, “Hi honey, how was your day?” “Oh, fine, except I almost gagged on this oversized cock…”
JOHN MINT: I don’t know, some people are open minded.
MERCEDES: Well. Thomas is not one of them.
JOHN MINT: What’s Thomas like?
MERCEDES: [looking pensively at JOHN] Balding. Dull. Melodramatic.
JOHN MINT: [slightly angry] Melodramatic?
MERCEDES: Well… sentimental. He’ll do these stupid little things just to impress me. And I have to act impressed or else he’ll just keep on at it…
JOHN MINT: Isn’t that what people do when they’re in love?
MERCEDES: Ha! Well, maybe. He’s a sucker.
JOHN MINT: Do you guys… sleep together a lot?
MERCEDES: Well we live together. [pause] When I come home.
JOHN MINT: Yeah but… what’s the sex like?
MERCEDES: Let me put it this way, Mint, do you think I could go out all day and have sex for money if I spent half the night fucking?
JOHN MINT: It’s possible.
MERCEDES: Yes I suppose it is possible.
JOHN MINT: But you do… find him attractive, don’t you? [pause] I mean… otherwise you wouldn’t be with him. Right?
MERCEDES: I suppose. In a weird sort of way. [He reaches for the wig] Hey I told you!
JOHN MINT: Oh just for a moment, please!
JOHN MINT: Please!
MERCEDES: Eighty bucks.
JOHN MINT: [He pulls back] What?!
MERCEDES: Eighty bucks and I take the wig off for the rest of the session.
JOHN MINT: But there’s only five minutes left in the session!
MERCEDES: Come on, I know you’ve got it. Eighty bucks and you can have me with no wig on for ten more minutes.
JOHN MINT: [short pause] Will you take off the hooker boots?
JOHN MINT: Would you take off the hooker boots and change into your regular clothes. [reaching for her handbag] I know you’ve got a change of clothes in your bag…
MERCEDES: [slaps his hand away] Fuck off! A hundred and twenty.
JOHN MINT: What! That’s ridiculous!
MERCEDES: You’re the one with a ridiculous fetish.
JOHN MINT: I’ve never paid a hundred and twenty dollars for ten minutes in my entire life! For anything!
MERCEDES: [smiles proudly] Top of the market, baby. Take it or leave it.
JOHN MINT: [taking out his wallet and passing her some bills] Fine. Here’s a hundred bucks.
MERCEDES: [taking the money] Mint, you’re such a businessman.
JOHN MINT: [looking at his watch] Just get on with it, we’re running out of time.
MERCEDES: [taking the wig off] Exactly like a businessman. [the wig is now off] Ta-da! [JOHN is awestruck] Well?
JOHN MINT: You’re beautiful.
MERCEDES: [she smiles] Well, you’re the first person who’s paid me to dress less sexy.
JOHN MINT: Take off the boots.
MERCEDES: Ooh, that’s more like it.
JOHN MINT: And put on your sandals.
MERCEDES unzips her boots and takes her sandals out of her handbag.
MERCEDES: Ugh. They’re a bit domestic, don’t you think?
She puts them on.
JOHN MINT: I love it. And take your makeup off – I want to see you as you really are. The way you look at the grocery store, when you walk down the street, when you’re waiting in line at the bank. That’s the you I want to see.
She starts to remove her makeup, looking in the passenger mirror.
MERCEDES: Fuckin’ strange taste you got, John.
JOHN MINT: [starting to get really excited] Yeah, that’s great. Don’t you have a cardigan or something you can put on? [growing excited] Oh yeah, yeah… that’s great…[pause] Can I call you Angela?
MERCEDES: [stops everything] What?
JOHN MINT: Sorry, never mind.
MERCEDES: What the fuck kind of trip are you on, Mint?
JOHN MINT: Oh please, please let me call you Angela.
MERCEDES: Fuck this, I’m not here to be your shrink!
JOHN MINT: It’s not like that, Angela, I just want to…
MERCEDES: Hey, stop that. I didn’t say you could do that.
JOHN MINT: Darling, please!
MERCEDES: And no darling! That’s it, the wig is going back on.
JOHN MINT: No! Don’t do that, please! Please, Mercedes? Just for a moment!
MERCEDES: [pause] A hundred bucks.
MERCEDES: You want to role-play the demise of your unfortunate marriage, that’s a whole other ballpark, Mint. A hundred bucks and you can call me any name you want to. Otherwise, just sit there and shut the fuck up.
Long pause.
JOHN MINT: Yeah, but…
MERCEDES: No! A hundred bucks!
MERCEDES: [looking at her watch] Look, it doesn’t matter either way, your time is up. If you’re serious about this game we can talk about the conditions next time.
JOHN MINT: Wait, this is silly.
He slowly reaches into his pocket, produces his wallet and counts out 100 dollars.
MERCEDES takes the money and puts it in her handbag.
MERCEDES: You’ve got five minutes, Mint.
JOHN MINT: Don’t call me Mint. Call me Thomas.
MERCEDES: [she sighs] God. All right [Pause. MERCEDES turns to him sweetly]“Thomas”. What do you want to talk about?
She reaches over and puts her hand on his thigh while he speaks. Their faces move gradually closer together. MERCEDES looks slightly bored during speech.
JOHN MINT: I miss you, Angela. You and me – we’re not the people we used to be. It’s like you’re there but you’re not really there – this new person you’ve become has no space for me. We were so intertwined, you know, psychologically. So much of who I am was built from who you were. I don’t really know what to do with my life anymore. Some things that were your things – like listening to David Bowie when you swept the apartment [MERCEDES moves closer to JOHN] – I still do that, you know. And I still skip the same tracks you didn’t like. I even use those little incense cones you like, you know the lavender ones I used to say smelled like farts? Well, they don’t, Angela, they smell like you.
MERCEDES: [nagging tone] Tom!
JOHN: I mean, they remind me of you the way you used to be.
MERCEDES’ hand slowly moves into John’s pants.
But you know what I mean? How can I find myself if so much of you is in me? It’s not really separable, I can’t sort it out. But that you is gone and I feel like part of me has disappeared. I feel like I’ve become more dull, like that force that always pushed me to be different, to take risks, to be more than who I am is missing and I’m stuck. I can’t make myself be the way I want.
Angela, things used to be wonderful between us. We knew each other so well. We built our very selves off each other. We grew together. I want you to know, even after everything, I still think you’re…
She interrupts his speech by giving him a long, gentle kiss. When they part he lets out a long sigh as she takes a dirty tissue and throws it in the back seat.
That was wonderful.
MERCEDES: Fuckin’ took you long enough this time. Jesus.
JOHN MINT: Oh my God. That was so wonderful.
MERCEDES: Yeah. Loads of fun. I gotta go. Gimme the keys.
MERCEDES: Come on, I got lots of shit to do today, gimme the car keys.
JOHN MINT: Now you want to take my car?
MERCEDES: Look, you ever want to see me again?
JOHN MINT: Of course, but…
MERCEDES: Then let me borrow the car. I’ll leave it in the driveway this evening.
JOHN MINT: Maybe you could come and see me when you drop it off.
MERCEDES: Won’t your wife be upset?
JOHN MINT: My wife?
MERCEDES: You don’t think she’ll notice?
JOHN MINT: Oh yes. My wife. We’ll just have to be quiet.
MERCEDES: I’ll think about it. [holding out her hand] The keys.
JOHN MINT: [passing her the car keys] You will give it back, won’t you? I do need it tomorrow morning.
MERCEDES: It’s as if you didn’t know me.[begins to fumble with her purse, starts playing with her mobile phone]
JOHN MINT: [opens the car door] All right, then. I’ll see you tonight. [pause. He approaches her] Could I have another kiss?
MERCEDES: Fuck off! Can’t you see I’m busy?
JOHN MINT: You’re right. Sorry. I guess I’ll just walk home…[he gets out of the car, she jumps straight into the driver’s seat] See you tonight. [As she rolls up the window] I love you!
MERCEDES lights a cigarette and turns on the radio. JOHN MINT’S last words are cut off as the window comes up. He walks off crying.
© 2004, 2005 Matt Jones and Nika Jakšić


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